Untitled Document

Place: Chili’s
Item: Guiltless Black Bean Burger
Price: $6.29

As we dine on our Triple Whoppers, it may seem to onlookers that we Lunch Guys are 100-percent carnivores. Actually, we’re at about, oh, 82 percent, which means every once in a while we try an herbivore-friendly lunch.

This week, it’s the new Guiltless Black Bean Burger from Chili’s. This is a so-called healthy-ish platter because it’s meant to help us all lose a few pounds -- and detox from those Whoppers. But with this burger, does “guiltless” mean “flavorless,” too?

Chris: Tom, you know how hard it was for me to go into a Chili’s and order a burger with the words “Guiltless Black Bean” instead of “Chipotle Bleu Cheese Bacon” in front of it. Seriously, I’d argue that no national restaurant, from the fast-food joints to the sit-down places, dresses up a burger like Chili’s can. And Chili’s delivers a whopper of a patty here: 4 1/2 inches wide, by my measure. Hearty, zesty and sprinkled with whole beans, it earns a perfect score from me.

But the score plummets when I account for the non-patty items, and no, I’m not knocking points off because there’s no cheese or mayo or bacon. I expected that from something called “guiltless.” I’m deeply disappointed in Chili’s because there’s no creativity. Lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion and low-fat Ranch -- that’s the best you can do?! Where’s the salsa, the roasted peppers? And if this is aimed at the “Biggest Loser” crowd, why is there a super-sized bun loaded with calories and carbs? I’d gladly trade it in for a wheat wrap if I could beg my server for a couple Fritos sprinkled on top. I promise, I won’t change the nutritional content. Please?

Tom: The spicy flavor of this patty should have been the foundation of a great vegi-burger. But the way Chili’s does it—thin as a piece of cardboard and nearly as dry--it just isn’t worth eating. Imagine, having a black bean-flavored schmear of sand between two giant Styrofoam buns and you can envision this item. Chris, I swear when I looked around the restaurant and saw all the people eating real food with the grease dripping down their chins and big splotches of fajita juice on their ties, I was certain I had ordered the worst thing on the menu. They didn’t look guilty, they looked happy.

But the main problem, is not as you say, in the condiments. It’s with the thickness and juiciness of the patty itself. The way to make this work is to double the burger thickness and reduce the size of the towering bun. Then, as you say, add some moist, spicy condiments such as your suggested salsa. As it currently tastes, I think I’d rather get anything else with a side of weight gain and guilt. Hell, even the side of broccoli was better. I challenge you, Chris, to tell me when has a Lunch Guy ever called broccoli better than a burger?

Chris: Hey, a side of broccoli is sometimes better than fries. Getting that green in my system is good every once in a while. You’re way too hard on the patty itself, but whatever. Next time, I’m getting that Chipotle Blue Cheese Bacon Burger. If eating a good burger is a crime, let me be guilty.

Tom: Chris, tell me this: Since when does 650 calories with 95 grams of carbos relieve anyone of guilt? A Big Mac has 100 fewer calories, half the carbos. Sure, the Chili’s item doesn’t have much fat, but I was kicking myself all afternoon for not ordering something more satisfying. Is that guiltless?